Monday, February 25, 2013

Time to face the music

Well Biggest Loser, my new favorite show, has completely inspired my new blog post and boy this couldn't come at a better time. I think it is time for me to face some of my fears to move forward with my life and to be happy.

Being Alone
Pushing Away My Loved Ones
Failing To Reach My Goals
Gaining All My Weight Back

So let me address my fears. They all kind of tie in together but I will try to address them each.

1. Being Alone
    -I feel like I have never been the pretty girl or what not. I have been teased a lot in my past, but I mean who hasn't though? It is awful and it really is something that has stuck with me for as long as I can remember. But now I am ready for it to go away for good. I know it holds me back from trusting others and letting someone in to love me. I have always watched my friends have boyfriends here and there and I have never experienced that. I remember this one time I was told "Well Kelly you have a great personality and a lot of love to give, just an all around catch, but you need to lose weight if you want a boyfriend" Well...let me tell you how much I enjoyed that comment. I mean it was something that was always in the back of my head but for someone to say it to me was so heartbreaking. I guess between the teasing, rejection and etc. I turned to food to fill that void. I also came to the conclusion I will never find love. Maybe thats why I put so much time and effort into my friendships and family. 

2. Pushing Away My Loved Ones
    -I feel for the ones closest to me because I know I can be a holy terror at times. I find its easier to push people away because it is my way of testing them to see if they actually care for me (I'm aware how crazy that sounds). I know I put my all and give too much sometimes. I feel like I have to make up for not having the most wonderful of personalities by treating my friends and family to material objects. I tend to go above and beyond sometimes. Now do not get me wrong you should do nice things for the ones you love. But also know when enough is enough. I am taking this time in my life to learn to be more selfish (in a good way) as in doing for myself and others in a nice balance. I have to constantly be around my friends and family. I am not a fan of alone time because I am scared it will stay that way forever. 

3. Failing To Reach My Goals
    -If you know me you know how much I love New York. Ever since I was little I knew that I was going to live there and have this fabulous life of the rich and famous. Well I know one day I will get there. It may not be tomorrow or next year but it will happen! Sometimes when I see someone following the path I thought I would be going down I get sad. But instead of getting sad I should support them and continue to work hard on myself and how I can achieve my goals.

4. Gaining All My Weight Back
   - This should not be a huge shock as one of my fears. I know I am not the best dieter in the world. I do not workout every day and sometimes I have cheat moments. I am human, I can't be perfect all the time. But I have to remember the only way to live is being healthy. I am constantly working on myself and seeing what works for me and I would hate to fall back into old patterns of sodas only, fast food on the regular, and the most exercise I'd get be walking to the fridge. The old Kelly is just exactly that. OLD! I am a new and work in progress Kelly. I won't say improved yet but a work in progress. I am discovering this new confidence. There are certain tools I need to stay on track for life and I plan to explore those such as trying out a trainer to help me with my working out because I have the healthy eating down to an art but I need a push in the gym. 

So what are some of your fears? I am putting mine out there to get them off my chest. I feel a lot better especially after the hellacious past week I had. I felt alone, sad and many other emotions. But now I am working on myself and the things I need to do to be completely happy. Oh and I am 3 pounds away from losing 70 pounds!!! Eeeekkk!!!!

1 comment:

  1. Hugs to you Kelly for facing your fears! Your journey is building confidence that was always inside waiting to get out! You can achieve anything you put your mind to. Know you are worth it! In the end base your self worth not on what others say but how you feel about yourself. It is hard to openly talk about teasing and rejection. I have had so much in my life as well. I can remember each time like it was yesterday. It took a journey like yours when I was 22 years old to break that fear.I found my strength and faith to believe in me. Don't let me scare you the toughest part is not going backwards. This I have done many times. I didn't have the knowledge you have at this stage of the game. You will keep it off! I have faith. I am cheering for those next 3 lbs!! 70 will be a milestone! So proud of you each and every day!! Love You!